This weekend, I was listening to Pastor K. preaching about ‘breakups’. He spoke about how people who are being dumped for whatever reason(s) should not cry or beg the other person to come back but walk away with the little dignity they have left. He said, “once they tell you the reason(s), don’t bother changing their minds because they broke up with you mentally months prior.” He said breakups don’t happen in a day, it takes months of strategic and mental thinking. That, I agree. There is a lot of thought process when it comes to breakups.
So where am I going with this you ask?
Well, thank you for asking.
Like most people, I was deeply engrossed in the discussion but for a different reason. All I could think about was how this relates to PhD. I realised that I had mentally broken up with my PhD. I’m talking about 916 days relationship.
Hmm… How did I get here?
You see, I have been schooling for 5 years now (including my two Masters) and I am tired. Although, I still want to save the world (Nigeria to be precise) with my 0.00000000000001% of knowledge but, I’m not mentally present anymore. The sad part is that I can’t stop picturing myself on that stage holding my Doctorate Degree and for mummy to call me “Dr Buky.”
Truth be told, I’ve always wanted to be a Doctor, a vet actually. But my lack of basic understanding of chemistry, maths and physics didn’t help so I ended up being a lawyer. However, the real motivation for my PhD was to secretly compete with my older sis who is an actual doctor.
You can’t have it all sis!
Things are changing and I don’t like them. My routine is basically non-existing. I used to love reading novels but not, they all look like journals/textbooks to me. Sometimes I find myself analysing the first paragraph of a novel instead of just enjoying it. Even my 4-year-old niece’s colouring book looks like a badly written biology textbook that needs corrections.
My family and friends keep saying they are proud of me and wish they could do the same but I am the envious one. I wish I could go out and have fun and not constantly think of the next chapter. Even blogging feels weird. Many times I wake up and ponder if this PhD is worth it. I sometimes ask myself in the mornings:
- Do I really need this PhD to survive?
- Can it wash the dishes piling up?
- Can it make it me taller?
These are serious life issues you know. My mind is a battlefield.
I used to be able to watch movies for hours but now, I can’t get past 10 mins. I am gradually becoming a boring introvert. I was a happy, funny introvert trust me. I used to enjoy my own little bubble. But now, it feels like my bubble is shrinking with a touch of Mona Lisa background.
It’s like constantly having a bad hair day.
Don’t get me wrong, the skills I have learned so far from researching are amazing. I can scan through journals easily and decide if it’s useful or not. Doing a PhD has also opened my mind to endless possibilities. Now I am able to win some pointless arguments better. Instead of me calling people out on their BS comments, I just ask for references. I’ve noticed that people tend to shut up when you ask for references. Trust me, my unnecessary arguments sounds posh with a hint of geekiness.
You say “A” and I say “F raised to power W = Ha Ha!”. Can you beat that?
But frankly, I’m tired.